Time to give Flo the big picture......

Hi there Flo, (I don't do 'auntie letters'),

OK, first up, I'm not writing to ask you for advice - I never ask anyone for advice, but willingly give my advice to others, which is why I'm writing to you.   I don't feel those who have written to you recently are telling you the whole truth, and while I appreciate your answers, I feel you need to be, well, more honest - blunt, as it were.  Just so you know, I am 'P', 'Perrot', 'Peter' - though I won't hide behind a false name - I'm Piers. 

OK, first of all, the 'child bride' is nothing more than a spoilt brat - totally indulged by her father.  She arrogantly expects every man to fall in love with her.  At the moment she is hanging around her 'arranged' husband like a puppy dog, which is so irritating.  Everyone knows it's an 'arranged' marriage - why pretend otherwise?  She constantly demands he tell her how beautiful she is - but let me tell you, it's hard for him when she has a serious break-out of teenage acne, and worse, squeezes her spots in front of him - bleuch!  As for considering wearing this bra garment - she has nothing to put in it!  She's only 12, which I think explains her naivety.  You are not naive, and you know perfectly well that 'E Rex' and I don't have 'sleepovers'.  We are in fact 'together' - not in 'brotherhood', as Ed likes to kid himself and others, but in the fullest sense - lovers - there, said it.  I've had to put up with all this marriage business, then the elevation of that little madam taking my place at Ed's side.  It hasn't been easy for me, you know.  But have I written a whinging letter asking for advice?  Of course not, I've just been helping Ed exactly as before - even minding the 'family silver', as it were and organising ceremonies and feasts for them. 

I'm afraid Ed lacks confidence, which I can give him by the bucketful!  Why be worried about digging ditches and getting drunk with sailors?  People do far worse things than that!  And digging ditches and rowing have given him a marvellous physique!  You should see him, stripped to the waist, glistening with perspiration in the midday sun!  A splendid sight!  And if he wants to offer me a few perks to make up for having to give him time with that spoilt brat, who am I to refuse?  It would be churlish of me to refuse. 

Now for that awful Tom!  You are so right about him being jealous - of Ed, me, and, erm, me!  I should point out that I am known for my grace and good-manners, whereas he is most ill-mannered - a complete churl, in fact.  No social graces, swaggers around and tries to boss poor Ed around.  It quite upsets Ed at times, and I do my best to defuse the situation and make light of Tom's arrogance - I do a very good impression of him, which makes Ed laugh so much!

So there you have the full story Flo - just tell Isa Ed is NEVER going to be in love with her but will give her a brilliant lifestyle, tell Ed to assert himself and be true to himself, and tell Tom to curb his jealousy - Ed's in charge no matter what he thinks.  And Flo, I've enclosed my portrait, so you can see that yes, I am extremely handsome - pin it above your bed and dream - that's all I can promise you as my heart belongs to Ed.  And I really do think you should get out and live life instead of listening to the likes of Isa and Tom droning on about their so-called problems.

  Blowing you a big kiss,  Piers