Oh dear – where to start?
Well, I’ll call myself Tom, and I am part of a great, powerful, family,
of which I’m immensely proud.
Unfortunately, I’m not the head of the family, although there are many
who think I should be. My cousin is the
head – let’s call him ‘Ed’. I admit he
looks like the head of a great family – he’s very striking, muscular and has presence,
but he doesn’t always act like the head.
He enjoys rather vulgar pursuits such as swimming and rowing – and much
worse that I daren’t tell you. Worst of
all, he seems, erm, devoted to his ‘best friend’ who I’ll call ‘Peter’. This friend is just so unsuitable – for a
start, he’s not even English, he comes from Gascony, of all places! And I’m sure you know what those Gascons are
like! He’s not even well-born! I admit he was thought as a suitable
companion for my cousin in his teens – I will say he is graceful and
well-mannered. The family were a little
bit worried about how ‘friendly’ my cousin and this Gascon were, and we did our
best to separate them for their own good.
But now my cousin is in charge, he and his friend are behaving
outrageously! This Peter has been
promoted beyond his wildest dreams, given land and jewels. Of course, it’s turned his head, and he now
is just such a show-off, mocking me for my lack of manners amongst other things
– and all the while my cousin just laughs.
He is so arrogant! Whenever we
discuss the family business, this Peter takes centre stage, and Ed listens to
only him. This is just so wrong! I mean, I am a fine leader of men myself –
many think me more suited to my cousin’s job, and I’m much more of a role model
than this Gascon upstart. My cousin has
had to marry for the family’s sake – and his wife is a lovely, beautiful,
powerful girl – I mean, she is only 12, but she’s so beautiful! We hoped this would ‘cure’ Ed – but no, he’s
more devoted to his friend than ever! They
even have sleepovers! Please tell me how
to rid my cousin of this awful man and realise how marvellous I am.
Yours majestically, Tom, Lancaster
Dear Tom,
What is going on here?
I don’t think your cousin’s friend is the problem – who, to be fair,
sounds a lot of fun. You don’t. It seems to be you are a very jealous person –
jealous of your cousin’s looks, hobbies, and his best friend. You admit this friend has many good
attributes. You accuse him of being
arrogant – and yet you talk about how suited you are for the top job and what a
marvellous role model you are for your cousin.
At least this Peter has a sense of humour, which your cousin must find a
pleasant change as you sound so pompous and snobbish. I find it disturbing that you would rather
your twenty something cousin should be spending all his time with a 12 year old
girl than this fun, pleasure-seeking best friend. You need to get over your jealousy, leave
your cousin to run the business and enjoy his friendship with Peter. Get your own life!
I'm enjoying these!
ReplyDeleteHeeee! Another great one! Really clever and funny.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I think there may be just one more........
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