Sunday, 29 July 2012

'E Rex' seeks advice.....

Dear Auntie Flo,

Oh dear, where do I start?  I would describe myself as the head of a big, family business - yes, that's it.  I'll call myself E Rex.  I have been a bit of a disappointment to my family in the past - I'm afraid I haven't always behaved like the son of the head of the family firm.  Now that I am the head, I was hoping things would improve.  But I have heard people whispering about me, and complaining that I spend too much time on my hobbies, such a ditch-digging and swimming - and my chief hobby in particular - my best friend 'P'.  I call him that because we spend all our time together.  Our friendship is a bit difficult to explain - we call it a sort of brotherhood, really, and this involves doing most things together - even sleepovers!  He's not into ditch-digging best, but gives me plenty encouragement when I do. He always watches me toiling away in the sunshine.  It's always great fun, and of course, as my best friend, he's been, er,  promoted.  Obviously, there are many who are jealous of him, and who can blame them?  He's just so wonderful - handsome, witty and confident.  As head of the family, I realise it's my duty to marry for  it's sake - and have done so.  This is my real problem - my bride is 12 years-old, and despite her youth, is very keen to be my wife.  I'm in my 20s - she's far too young to interest me.  I'd rather wait until she was, oh, 20!  But she is being very demanding and has even complained that I allowed my best friend to keep her jewels safe - ok, he did wear some to an important banquet - and very handsome he looked as well - but who better to look after things for me?  She's now hinting that she wants to come to one of our sleepovers, and has even asked her uncles to 'have a word' about my husbandly duties.  What can I do? 

yours hopefully, E Rex

Dear E Rex,

hmm, I think there are a number of issues here that need addressing.   First, who cares what your father thought of you?  You're in charge now, right?  As for your bride - yes, a 12 year-old is too young for you to spend time with.  Can't you make sure she has extra lessons, plenty of exercise and is in bed by 7pm, where either you or your friend could read her a goodnight story?  Maybe get her a pet dog as well?  I'm sure she'll be much happier.

What concerns me is your 'friendship' with 'P'.  You have real blood brothers - why do you want a 'brotherhood' pact with someone else?   And please - you are too old for sleepovers.  You don't fool me - even if you can fool a 12 year-old girl.  You are of course in love with 'P', and providing you are discreet, I don't see why you shouldn't enjoy your 'sleepovers' and 'brotherhood':)  You should be cautious, and perhaps not give your friend so many promotions and favours, no matter how handsome he is.  It may also be worth having a word with your child bride's uncles, and ask them to put her in the picture.  Enjoy your ditch-digging and your friend!

good luck, Auntie Flo

Monday, 23 July 2012

Agony Aunt 13th century style

For some reason, the recent discovery of some medieval underwear has inspired me to write a spoof  agony aunt post from a certain Isabella.........

Dear Auntie Flo,

Please can you help me?  I am 12 years old, and apparently the most beautiful woman in Europe, if not the world.  That's what my family and father's courtiers tell me.  Any man who sees me will fall madly in love with me.   I am just so beautiful!  I may be only 12, but could pass for at least 14.  So why am I so unhappy?  Well, I have just got married to a man chosen by my father.  He is very handsome, and considerably older than me - but as I am so beautiful, this shouldn't be a problem.  However, my husband has been rather reluctant to spend any time with me.  He has unusual hobbies such as thatching roofs and digging ditches.   Bizarre, isn't it?  Although I know nothing about these hobbies, I'm willing to put up with them.  What I cannot put up with is the amount of time he spends with his best friend - a certain Gascon who I will call 'Perrot'.  My husband spends most of his time with his best friend - they are always together and even have sleep-overs, to which I am never invited.  My husband even allowed him to try on our wedding jewellery - even if I confess it did look much better on him.  He is very handsome.  I've asked my friends their advice.  Some have suggested taking up my husband's hobbies - but I've no idea how to dig a ditch, and when one has servants, why would you even want to?  Another friend suggests I have a sleep-over in my bedroom and invite them both.  Yet another has told me about a new invention called a bra with matching knickers, and that my husband may find me irresistible in them.  What do you think?

Isa, aged 12.

Dear Isa,

I have a sneaking suspicion I may know who you are on about, so here is my advice.  First, no matter how beautiful you are, I'm afraid there are some men who just won't fancy you - simple as that.  I might add you sound very conceited about your looks, and this can be unattractive to many - including your husband.  You are also only 12 years old - what on earth can you possibly have in common with your husband?  You say he likes thatching and digging ditches - he sounds an outdoor type and I'm sure he looks very handsome, stripped to the waist and gleaming with sweat.  So what are your interests?  Playing with dolls?  riding your pony?  Hardly likely to entice your husband away from a ditch, eh?  As for your husband's friend - you say he is very handsome and looks better in your jewellery than you - are you sure you are not a little in love with him yourself, and that's why you resent your husband spending time with him?   I must say you sound very immature to want to have a sleep-over with your husband and his friend, and I feel it my duty to have to break the news to you that grown men do not have sleep-overs, and that I strongly suspect this friend offers your husband something you cannot.  Perhaps you should ask an older male relative to have a little chat to you about this.  Oh, and as for the bra and knickers - after the chat with your male relative, you will see that they are useless, and I'd pack them away and forget about them.   Your husband will want children at some point, and when you grow up, you may find you enjoy spending such little time with your husband and enjoy splurging on bling and clothes for yourself, and being waited on like a Queen, and caring for your children.

best wishes, Auntie Flo

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Medieval Underwear?

Nothing to do with Piers, but this story did catch my attention in the media this week.  A set of underwear, consisting of a bra and knickers, has been found in a castle in Austria.  Bras were thought to have only been invented about 100 years, but it seems history may have to be re-written.  Here's a picture of the very modern-looking bra.